damage on the mic dont manage

Im jonesing for eggs and OJ.

On a semi related note i am really in the mood to have a potluck at my place. however i have a tiny ass kitchen and a tiny ass table. i guess i could have people chillaxin on the floor but i feel like my cats would attack them too much...and i want it to be some kind of costume thing. maybe get dressed ultra fancy or something like that i dont know. i just worry because between andrew and i we have groups of friends who are very non straight edge and ones who are very yuhs straightedge and so i feel like we have to seperate the two when we have gatherings. which is dumb. its dumb but nobody is really at fault on either side, it just creates an awkward dynamic to be like "hey people may be getting down with some substances" haha or say "hey no getting down folks". I, myself,  have been mega cuttng down on getting down (if you dont count last night where i got pretty drunk by 8pm but that was because i was being bought free drinks and those are just rude to refuse) and have really been enjoying it.

like i was really depressed last winter. i think that it is because i was just like "fuck it, its winter, its cold, and im just gonna drink and what not" and that really only made it worse in my opinion. I was really unmotivated to do anything fun like have snowball fights or go sledding. Since, i have cut down on drinking and whatnot and i have been much much happier. I have been having better conversations with people, feel healthier, and have been more motivated to go out and make more friends. which leads me to the conclusion i came to once i saw the first snow last week, which is: you need all the friends you can get when winter rolls around. end of story. when that frozen rain starts to cover every inch of your world and dominate your every aspect of living, you need people around you.

Last night i was sitting on my front balcony with a friend (lets call him ryan because that is his name). And you know, im just pointing out houses on my street where cool neighbors live and telling stories about them and it gets us into this conversation about winter and the commrodery that occurs in communities that experience winter. Like someone gets snowed in or their car gets stuck on the street, you just get the fuck up and push their car or help shovel them out or give them a ride. it doesn't matter that for the past 9 months you haven't even said boo to eachother you just connect because winter is rough and you need people to be your sunshine.  On the flipside, summer in a four seasons region can really bring communities together too. You know that winter is coming eventually, or you just got out of being a hermit for 5 months, and the sun  is out again, and everyone is chillin out on their porches just soaking up the vitamin D like sponges screamin "Hello and Howdy!" to everyone walking past because you are all so happy you survived winter and isnt this weather just amazing how could you not smile at everyone walking past?

And then there is fall. Fall is just beautiful. Fall is the feeling of change hitting you right in the fucking face. I love it, people just walking around in the chilly air wearing awesome sweaters and marveling at how the process of leaves dying on trees is gorgeous, and it is. and it reminds you how death is ever present and natural but beautiful at the same time, because who would really ever want to live forever?

I digress, I am done smoking. That was at the heart of this rambling blog entry. Its fine every once in a while i guess but it is not for me all the time. Maybe at one point it was but not anymore. I am finding my release and my relaxation through getting up and out and doing things, meeting new people, or even just connecting more with people i have known for a while. Hell, I am even cleaning my house more and doing more obnoxious errands and tasks which feels great to not have shit just hanging over my head. Plus, I remember all of my dreams which is awesome. So anyway, I hope to have a potluck soon and i hope people come and have fun.

November 13th, a meaningless day.

in the words of johnny hobo and the freight trains "here's to our lives being meaningless, and how beautiful it is, because freedom doesn't have a purpose" i am feeling rather meaningless, another day of bullshit work to pay off loans that i acquired in a futile attempt to get a degree at a bullshit college. Not so much identifying with the second half of that lyric in which our meaningless lives are quite beautiful, maybe tomorrow i can identify, however tomorrow is a 16 hour work day for this girl, so i am highly doubting that. However one day will come around soon enough I guess.

OK so first blog post...Reader Warning:
1) i am sorry i do not give a shit about proper grammer
2) also do not give two shits about cussing
3) i will probably always have cats walking on my keyboard while im typing this so forgive the typos, that is due to oz and riot.
4) I dont care about proper capitalization, i capitalize whenever i feel LIKE it.
5) My minor was in english lit so keep how awfully written this blog is in the back of your head and then think about how useless such a minor is.


I am currently wishing i had a martini, if i had a martini right now life might seem a little more beautiful, or at least a gin and tonic in a martini glass, at the very least some gin and lemon juice in a glorious red keg cup. however, even though it is noon on a sunday, which for the last year meant mimosa's and free tacos at the bar for "church" i can not drink at noon on sunday today. I now get to go into work at 3:30 until 11:30. And work entails keeping hormonal and emotionally scared teenage girls from killing each other and themselves. which some may find rewarding, however im not really into mood altering pharmaceutical drugs for kids so there are some moral issues im dealing with in that regard.
 So this morning instead i am going to content myself with some loud as fuck music, cute as fuck kittens, and brunch, a lost art of cuisine.  I am also toying with the idea of deleting my facebook. All of its security issues are scary as all get out, however i am addicted to "social" networking as much as folks are addicted to nicotine, if only it had the side effects of sick teeth, fingernails, and cancer which halted my smoking habits early. But facebook is really freaking me out. My friend teh other day proposed how crazy we would go if everyone's thoughts were shared with everyone else's thoughts as if your brain was a newsfeed, and i can't quite get that idea out of my head. Because it would be much more disturbing than facebook feeds. The issue I have with facebook (which I myself am guilty of too) is how you try to cram your whole identity int oa status or a profile. Yu may not think your doing it but everytime you comment or update anything you either consciously or subconsiously are trying to display a persona which through the internet (THIS BLOG INCLUDED) seems a little dishonest, bull shit, and fake. As I stated im including myself and this blog into that musing, however that was a big motivator to start a blog. To try and see how true and real to myself i can be via the internet. Im guessing i can be about 70% real, but i guess we shall see...